In Praise of Praise: Rethinking Self-Criticism

Why do we criticise ourselves?!
We may be so used to it it's hardly noticeable, it's just how we are.
As a clinician, I hear the self criticism others express and I'm often astonished at the severity and unkindness of the inner critic.

I often wonder where that voice comes from: is it internalized from years of being criticised for not being enough?
Is it part of ADHD wiring?
Does the critic have a voice?
Is it your mother's or father's or your 1st grade teacher?
All of the above?

Have you ever experienced even a moment where you're not second guessing yourself or beating yourself up for something you did or didn't do?

Those moments free of the critic can be blissful!
If the critic actually helped, maybe it would be worthwhile...but does it?
Have you ever experienced help from your inner critic?

Let me know in the comments!

An important distinction: self-reflection is a very different process from self criticism. Self reflection is actively initiated (unlike self criticism), usually with an end point in mind or a desire to understand and increase self awareness. It tries to stay curious, not judgmental. If it becomes critical, you have slipped out of reflection and into self criticism.

Self criticism:

You should have handled that better. What a loser!

Why did you say it that way? Why did you say anything?

Why can't you just keep your mouth shut?

You know better than this. You always do this!

It always amounts to the same thing yet you keep doing it.

Self reflection:

I'm turning inward in an effort to understand myself, my actions, my thoughts--not to judge or shame or find fault with myself. For example, the why this/why now approach.

Asked in a gentle curious voice:

Why did I eat that cookie? Even though I just started my diet.

Was there a stressful situation I was trying to handle?

Was I avoiding my feelings?

Was I afraid of what would happen if I didn't eat the cookie?

What was it about that interaction that caused me to feel hurt?

Why do I get so angry about slow drivers or inconsiderate drivers?

I hope you can sense that the approach feels different--and will have a different outcome than self blame.

Have you ever tried saying out loud the things the inner critic says to you? I think you'd be shocked! It's harsher than anything anyone will ever say to you--unless these self criticisms are things you heard growing up, particularly from parents and teachers. William Dodson says that by the time an undiagnosed ADHDer is in third grade, he/she will have heard 20,000 negative comments! That's hard to fathom.

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The Hidden Costs

Over time, that critical voice tends to come with a price:

Emotionally, it can create a steady undercurrent of tension.

Even when things are going well, there’s a sense that you’re about to fall short.

Cognitively, it may narrow your thinking. When your mind is focused on avoiding mistakes, it’s harder to take risks, think creatively, or make clear decisions. Behaviorally, it often leads to patterns that feel confusing:

• Procrastination on things that matter

• Overworking to compensate for a sense of “not enough”

• Shutting down when something feels too overwhelming

For adults with ADHD, this can become even more intense. The gap between what you intended and what actually happened can fuel a particularly sharp version of self-criticism—often layered with thoughts like,

I should know better by now.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I always do this?

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Why It Feels Like It Works

People have told me they are afraid they'd do absolutely nothing if it weren't for the critic! They say the critic's negativity spurs them to act, stop procrastinating, finally do the thing. The feel the critic is the only thing keeping them upright, active and alert.

But is this true? Is there no other way to act than out of fear of criticism/rejection/pain?

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What Praise Actually Does

I find when I offer praise to my clients, they deny it! It's hard to praise an ADHDer--try it, you'll see! Also try accepting praise next time, I think you'll see how awkward it feels, maybe you even feel it's false. Or dangerous!

If I go easy on myself, I’ll lose my edge. I won't do a thing.

From a psychological standpoint, praise matters. The brain responds

very differently to reward than it does to criticism. One builds

momentum. The other keeps you on alert.

Are you able to acknowledge effort, follow-through, or even partial

progress?